In my last post about Disney World I ended with the police arriving at my door. Despite my innocence I made several mistakes when they arrived. First being not contacting my attorney and getting advice on how to handle the situation. You always have the right to counsel. The second major mistake I made was allowing them in the house. This is just an excuse to perform at an impromptu search of your residence and ask questions in attempt to get something on you. Under no circumstances should you allow any law enforcement officer or CPS caseworker to enter your home without written authorization.
After allowing them in my home and the officers alluding to child abuse allegations without any real detail they followed me upstairs while I got dressed.The officers continued to ask me questions about the house and whether or not I had weapons in the house. Then the conversation turned to a personal nature. The officer made two statements that were clearly bias in nature. The officer said he noticed I have an accent. Despite originally being from the south I don't have much of an accent at all. Then the officer proceeded to state that I wasn't from around there!
Ok at this point all kinds of alarms should have been going off in my head! This was a clear indication I was being targeted, but I just ignored it. When it was time to head down to the police station for questioning things got even weirder. I was going to drive down to the station but the officers insisted I had to ride in the back of the squad car. I'm pretty sure this was some violation of my civil rights. After all, I wasn't under arrest and was supposedly just being questioned. The police officers true intentions here will come to light later on.
During all of this I remained calm and cooperated fully with the authorities. I would continue to do so through the interview and in future encounters. I recommend that anyone confronted by the police should always remain calm, be polite, and cooperate fully. Even though you may feel unjustly targeted cooperating with the authorities might just save your life. Police are armed and they will not hesitate to use deadly force. They will be walking the streets while your lying six feet under.
After arriving at the police station we were joined by a CPS caseworker. The caseworker informed me that I was accused of sexual abusing my daughter and using excessive corporal punishment with both children. I was initially shocked and couldn't believe someone would accuse me of such a thing. Then as I processed it I asked myself did I think my daughter had been abused by someone else? As sometimes abuse victims misidentify their abuser. The answer was absolutely not. I was 100% sure my daughter hadn't been abused by anyone. This meant only one possibility that someone was fabricating the allegations against me.
I began to focus on who made the allegations. I told the officer and caseworker I didn't abuse my daughter and proceeded to discuss the spanking. I had actually spanked the kids and wanted to make it clear to the caseworker and officer that it was never excessive. In essence I told them what I had done and what I hadn't. I went on to discuss my parenting philosophy as it related to corporal punishment and how ineffective I found it. Then they mentioned the yeast infections that my daughter previously had, and at that point I knew this had to be my ex-wife or someone on her behalf. My ex-wife had mentioned the yeast infections and spanking during our divorce proceedings which the ink was barely dry on.
I informed the investigators that this was all my ex-wife's doing. I alluded to pieces evidence they could obtain that would point to her. Such as her testimony from our divorce where she brings up the yeast infections and spanking. I also discussed our custody agreement in which I could file for a modification because I now had a change of circumstance. I could possibly get more time with children and and a reduction in child support. Two things she certainly didn't want to happen. I also alluded to her manipulation of the children and anytime she wants to initiate something in court she will create problems that don't exist. The only response the officer could give was that I was stretching to say my ex-wife was involved. Thats absolutely ridiculous statement when he is fully aware that it was my ex-wife whom called the person who made the report.
The caseworker then informed me that my daughter would see a pediatrician who specializes in abuse. The purpose of this was for a medical exam but to also interview my daughter to see if her story changed any. The caseworker also wanted me to sign a stay-away agreement. I was very reluctant to do so. I was given an ultimatum to either sign it or go to court. So I decided to cooperate as I felt this would be over in a couple of days and made it clear to the caseworker that I wanted to revisit it the following Monday.
There are number of items for consideration that authorities ignored. First of all, there are number of causes for yeast infections that include antibiotics, sugar, bubble baths, and improper wiping. All of these are more likely causes than sexual abuse. Secondly, the investigators didn't fact check anything. They had the wrong date for the yeast infection. The last yeast infection actually occurred well over a year before this. Why would you bring up the spanking? If your concern was sexual abuse why would someone mention the spanking. Because it's consistent with someone out to get sole custody and bringing up anything they can to achieve their goal. Finally, I had just returned from a trip to disney world. They completely ignored how this would have affected my ex-wife and never bothered to interview any of my family members.
Monday, August 29, 2016
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
The Nuclear Option: The Disney World Trip and the allegations to follow
As a parent you want to provide your children with opportunities you never had as child whether its better education, medical care, opportunities to play any number of sports, or travel experiences. A trip to Disney World is the iconic and once in a lifetime family vacation. What parent wouldn't want to take their kids on trip there? A trip of this magnitude takes on even more significance for a single parent and their children.
Of course during the planning stages I considered how my ex might react to my taking our kids on this trip. I envisioned their would be resentment, anger, and jealously. But I also felt she would see this as a great experience for the children and a once in a lifetime opportunity. As I weighed all the options I realized there was a window of opportunity that could close and if I wanted my children to have this experience I needed to take it. I waited to about two weeks before the trip before informing there mother. She seemed to understand what a great opportunity it was for the children but I should have known better.
On Christmas Day on 2014 I picked up my children from their mother's house and headed to the airport. We were flying out of an airport some distance from where we live in order to get a direct flight. So we spent the night at an airport hotel and flew out early the next morning. Daddy digest travel tip when flying with young children always get direct flight if possible. It makes trips so much more manageable. Now the trip was a complete surprise to the kids. I never told them where we were going. They never figured it out until we reach the magic kingdom. This was absolutely priceless! I certainly recommend doing this if your taking your children to Disney for the first time.
We spent the next six days there and the kids had an absolute blast. We were joined by my mother, brother, and sister. As a single parent this was helpful to help with some of the other details of the trip, but I ended up not spending that much time with my daughter as boys did boy things and girls did girl things. This little fact one would imagine could be very important down the road but I will address this later. We returned from Disney on January 1st, 2015 after a flight and almost four hour car ride that evening. We received a number of Skype calls from their mother that evening, had presents under the tree to open, and needed to get ready for bed. The timeline of events is another fact that should have been addressed, but as I stated before thats for another post.
The very next day I received a call from the children's mother wanting the kids for the weekend since her brother would be in town. I have always been flexible when it came to custodial periods and working around family visits. My ex was even accommodating stating that I would get the "weekend back" at a later date. This seemed very much unlike her but I thought regardless it would be the nice co-parenting thing to do. So I dropped the children off around 2:30 pm that afternoon. Of course their mother was unhappy that I was thirty minutes late. Normally weekends start at 2pm but I felt since I was suppose to have them anyway what was the rush? Was there any big deal to being 30 minutes late? I was doing her a favor after all.
The next couple of days went by as normal. I had nightly Skype conversations with the children. These conversations were fairly normal except for my daughter talking about going to Africa where my ex-wife's sister and her family live. I actually saw the children on January 7th at doctor's appointment. The children were their normal loving selves despite their mother trying to claim something was wrong with them. At the end of the appointment my daughter gave me a christmas gift, two ornaments that she had made in school.
On Friday, January 9th, 2015 I was scheduled to pick up the children that afternoon for a weekend but before I could do so two police officers showed up at my door. They stated they needed to speak about some child abuse allegations? I was immediately confused about what he meant and stated "What child abuse?" as I had no clue! They wouldn't really respond to my question. I pondered what child they could be referring to? So I then asked"What, my children?" As to say you have to be joking!
Of course during the planning stages I considered how my ex might react to my taking our kids on this trip. I envisioned their would be resentment, anger, and jealously. But I also felt she would see this as a great experience for the children and a once in a lifetime opportunity. As I weighed all the options I realized there was a window of opportunity that could close and if I wanted my children to have this experience I needed to take it. I waited to about two weeks before the trip before informing there mother. She seemed to understand what a great opportunity it was for the children but I should have known better.
On Christmas Day on 2014 I picked up my children from their mother's house and headed to the airport. We were flying out of an airport some distance from where we live in order to get a direct flight. So we spent the night at an airport hotel and flew out early the next morning. Daddy digest travel tip when flying with young children always get direct flight if possible. It makes trips so much more manageable. Now the trip was a complete surprise to the kids. I never told them where we were going. They never figured it out until we reach the magic kingdom. This was absolutely priceless! I certainly recommend doing this if your taking your children to Disney for the first time.
We spent the next six days there and the kids had an absolute blast. We were joined by my mother, brother, and sister. As a single parent this was helpful to help with some of the other details of the trip, but I ended up not spending that much time with my daughter as boys did boy things and girls did girl things. This little fact one would imagine could be very important down the road but I will address this later. We returned from Disney on January 1st, 2015 after a flight and almost four hour car ride that evening. We received a number of Skype calls from their mother that evening, had presents under the tree to open, and needed to get ready for bed. The timeline of events is another fact that should have been addressed, but as I stated before thats for another post.
The very next day I received a call from the children's mother wanting the kids for the weekend since her brother would be in town. I have always been flexible when it came to custodial periods and working around family visits. My ex was even accommodating stating that I would get the "weekend back" at a later date. This seemed very much unlike her but I thought regardless it would be the nice co-parenting thing to do. So I dropped the children off around 2:30 pm that afternoon. Of course their mother was unhappy that I was thirty minutes late. Normally weekends start at 2pm but I felt since I was suppose to have them anyway what was the rush? Was there any big deal to being 30 minutes late? I was doing her a favor after all.
The next couple of days went by as normal. I had nightly Skype conversations with the children. These conversations were fairly normal except for my daughter talking about going to Africa where my ex-wife's sister and her family live. I actually saw the children on January 7th at doctor's appointment. The children were their normal loving selves despite their mother trying to claim something was wrong with them. At the end of the appointment my daughter gave me a christmas gift, two ornaments that she had made in school.
On Friday, January 9th, 2015 I was scheduled to pick up the children that afternoon for a weekend but before I could do so two police officers showed up at my door. They stated they needed to speak about some child abuse allegations? I was immediately confused about what he meant and stated "What child abuse?" as I had no clue! They wouldn't really respond to my question. I pondered what child they could be referring to? So I then asked"What, my children?" As to say you have to be joking!
Sunday, June 12, 2016
How to consistently be a good co-parent when faced with a barrage of evil intensions
Are you going through a divorce or a never ending custody battle? Has your ex made numerous attempts to try and get sole custody? Did the other parent manipulate your children to create problems during transition periods or have they started making off the wall comments. Has all of this culminated in fabricated sexual abuse allegations where you spent a year and half fighting to get your kids back only to have your ex file for sole custody again?
Any one of this events or situations would challenge a persons ability to co-parent effectively. If you have experienced any of these no doubt you have thought about retribution against your ex or at the very least wanted say something negative about the other parent in front of the kids? Over the past four years I have been through all of what I mentioned above. During this time I never once said anything negative about my ex-wife. I never attempted to manipulate the kids or turn them against her. I know your thinking thats impossible to deal with that and not at least once seek some sort of revenge.
So how does one remain a good co-parent when facing the onslaught of parental alienation? The first and most important step is to remember who is really important and that is the children. As parents our children's welfare and development should always be first. Every decision or action I take revolves around my children. Before reacting or over-reacting to something the other parent does you have to consider the effect on the children. Children are extremely impressionable and learn how to interact with the world through observing their parents. To consistently be a good co-parent you have to put your children first regardless of how selfish the other parent maybe and always be above their evil intensions.
Secondly, you must protect your children by protecting yourself. When parental alienation starts to rear it's evil head it will affect the entire family unit. Your instinct is to protect your children from it but the best way to protect them is actually by protecting yourself. As the only parent who has the well-being of the children at heart its imperative you take the necessary steps. So how do you accomplish this. Well immediately start thinking three to four moves ahead. Try to anticipate what your ex may do or use against you. You should also start documenting any peculiar behavior. There are a number of ways to document evidence of parental alienation. I would audio record off the wall comments by my children and eventually started recording transitions. Of course you need to check applicable state laws before engaging in these steps.
The very best form of documentation is video. I really wish I would have employed this much sooner. It would have spared my children from what they have endured over the past year and half. I recommend the second you think parental alienation is occurring is to get a reliable camera system in your home and start recording your visits with the kids. I waited to after the abuse allegation were made and my children were taken away from me before I started recording supervised visits. Ultimately this did help me eventually prove that children had made false statements on subsequent allegations. This is not only a way to protect yourself but is undeniable proof of the type of parent you are and how much your children love you. I believe this would be invaluable evidence when the other parent files for sole custody. If unsure what type of camera system to get you should check out my review of the nest cam.
Finally, if you have taken the steps above the last thing to do is have faith and understanding. You need to have faith that the steps you have taken will ensure that truth will out. If you stay the course, take the high road, and protect yourself the other parents action will eventually come back to haunt them. A parent also needs understanding that being patient and not engaging in manipulation and parental alienation is the best course of action. You have to be in it for the long haul and know if you stoop to the level of the other parent that you will fail miserably. Despite all your urges to retaliate you just have do right by your children.
Any one of this events or situations would challenge a persons ability to co-parent effectively. If you have experienced any of these no doubt you have thought about retribution against your ex or at the very least wanted say something negative about the other parent in front of the kids? Over the past four years I have been through all of what I mentioned above. During this time I never once said anything negative about my ex-wife. I never attempted to manipulate the kids or turn them against her. I know your thinking thats impossible to deal with that and not at least once seek some sort of revenge.
So how does one remain a good co-parent when facing the onslaught of parental alienation? The first and most important step is to remember who is really important and that is the children. As parents our children's welfare and development should always be first. Every decision or action I take revolves around my children. Before reacting or over-reacting to something the other parent does you have to consider the effect on the children. Children are extremely impressionable and learn how to interact with the world through observing their parents. To consistently be a good co-parent you have to put your children first regardless of how selfish the other parent maybe and always be above their evil intensions.
Secondly, you must protect your children by protecting yourself. When parental alienation starts to rear it's evil head it will affect the entire family unit. Your instinct is to protect your children from it but the best way to protect them is actually by protecting yourself. As the only parent who has the well-being of the children at heart its imperative you take the necessary steps. So how do you accomplish this. Well immediately start thinking three to four moves ahead. Try to anticipate what your ex may do or use against you. You should also start documenting any peculiar behavior. There are a number of ways to document evidence of parental alienation. I would audio record off the wall comments by my children and eventually started recording transitions. Of course you need to check applicable state laws before engaging in these steps.
The very best form of documentation is video. I really wish I would have employed this much sooner. It would have spared my children from what they have endured over the past year and half. I recommend the second you think parental alienation is occurring is to get a reliable camera system in your home and start recording your visits with the kids. I waited to after the abuse allegation were made and my children were taken away from me before I started recording supervised visits. Ultimately this did help me eventually prove that children had made false statements on subsequent allegations. This is not only a way to protect yourself but is undeniable proof of the type of parent you are and how much your children love you. I believe this would be invaluable evidence when the other parent files for sole custody. If unsure what type of camera system to get you should check out my review of the nest cam.
Finally, if you have taken the steps above the last thing to do is have faith and understanding. You need to have faith that the steps you have taken will ensure that truth will out. If you stay the course, take the high road, and protect yourself the other parents action will eventually come back to haunt them. A parent also needs understanding that being patient and not engaging in manipulation and parental alienation is the best course of action. You have to be in it for the long haul and know if you stoop to the level of the other parent that you will fail miserably. Despite all your urges to retaliate you just have do right by your children.
Monday, May 30, 2016
How to effectively discipline children in the politically correct climate of the 21st century
As a single father like any parent I have always strived to provide a structured and disciplined environment so my children would learn to make proper choices. I have always had a process or steps that I would use in implementing certain types and levels of discipline. My first step was always to speak with my children and implement choice theory. Choice theory is basically presenting a child with two choices each having either positive or negative outcomes. This would give the opportunity to analyze the choices with the children so they can see the appropriate choice. It would be great if this worked all the time but unfortunately children like to test boundaries.
If Choice theory wasn't effective then things usually escalated to time out or corporal punishment with a spank. Even though spanking was a band aid or very short term solution to the problem it could be effective in certain situations, but over time can become very ineffective. When I was married both my wife and I implemented spanking as a form of discipline. After our separation and subsequent divorce my ex-wife began to complain about the spanking which took somewhat ineffective discipline tool and made it completely ineffective. She went as far to get Department of Social Services involved by making false allegations of abuse.
First of all, let me be clear I have never abused my children anyway and never would. I used corporal punishment sparingly at best and never excessively. So I went from being largely affective as a parent to having one of the tools I used in disciplining the children completely taken away. So how does a parent effectively discipline their children in political correct climate where corporal punishment is taboo and DSS thinks they are the savor of all children?
Before i address what implemented as parent we need to address the topic of corporal punishment. I can tell you from personal experience I did find it largely ineffective and unnecessary. Sure I was spanked as a kid and it was effective with me but also was rarely done. I also noticed over time with one of my children that was not effective at all. I also agree with much of the research that suggest corporal punishment isn't beneficial to the children. Ultimately, corporal punishment is short term solution, very hard to implement effectively, and doesn't create real behavior change.
So what is a father to do when his hands have been tied by DSS and his ex-wife? Well as difficult as it may seem it really wasn't all that hard to adapt and overcome the situation. I had always had a solid process in place and I needed to trust that process. The only thing that was different was that I couldn't spank the kids. So beyond talking and using choice theory time outs became the norm. As I implemented timeouts more and more I could see their effectiveness but felt I needed a good tool to implement the timeouts that would make them even more effective.
If I needed a tool for implementing timeouts did other parents need a tool as well? So I thought maybe there is an app for that? In my research I found in large part most apps fell short with the functionality and design I was looking for. So I decided to make my own time out app. After many months of development and usage with my own children I came up with the Stoppage app to put a stoppage to bad behavior. Some of the features I find very helpful as a parent are the warning signal, the count down clock with milliseconds, and the ability to add time if needed. I use the warning signal to let my children know it's time for a time out and they need to go to their specific timeout spot. Whether you use the app or not it's crucial to have a specific spot. The count down clock is large and counts down in milliseconds given the appearance that time is going faster when it really isn't. Finally, the time buttons allow the user change the time instantly so if you have a child who talking or not sitting appropriately then just add more time.
If Choice theory wasn't effective then things usually escalated to time out or corporal punishment with a spank. Even though spanking was a band aid or very short term solution to the problem it could be effective in certain situations, but over time can become very ineffective. When I was married both my wife and I implemented spanking as a form of discipline. After our separation and subsequent divorce my ex-wife began to complain about the spanking which took somewhat ineffective discipline tool and made it completely ineffective. She went as far to get Department of Social Services involved by making false allegations of abuse.
First of all, let me be clear I have never abused my children anyway and never would. I used corporal punishment sparingly at best and never excessively. So I went from being largely affective as a parent to having one of the tools I used in disciplining the children completely taken away. So how does a parent effectively discipline their children in political correct climate where corporal punishment is taboo and DSS thinks they are the savor of all children?
Before i address what implemented as parent we need to address the topic of corporal punishment. I can tell you from personal experience I did find it largely ineffective and unnecessary. Sure I was spanked as a kid and it was effective with me but also was rarely done. I also noticed over time with one of my children that was not effective at all. I also agree with much of the research that suggest corporal punishment isn't beneficial to the children. Ultimately, corporal punishment is short term solution, very hard to implement effectively, and doesn't create real behavior change.
So what is a father to do when his hands have been tied by DSS and his ex-wife? Well as difficult as it may seem it really wasn't all that hard to adapt and overcome the situation. I had always had a solid process in place and I needed to trust that process. The only thing that was different was that I couldn't spank the kids. So beyond talking and using choice theory time outs became the norm. As I implemented timeouts more and more I could see their effectiveness but felt I needed a good tool to implement the timeouts that would make them even more effective.
If I needed a tool for implementing timeouts did other parents need a tool as well? So I thought maybe there is an app for that? In my research I found in large part most apps fell short with the functionality and design I was looking for. So I decided to make my own time out app. After many months of development and usage with my own children I came up with the Stoppage app to put a stoppage to bad behavior. Some of the features I find very helpful as a parent are the warning signal, the count down clock with milliseconds, and the ability to add time if needed. I use the warning signal to let my children know it's time for a time out and they need to go to their specific timeout spot. Whether you use the app or not it's crucial to have a specific spot. The count down clock is large and counts down in milliseconds given the appearance that time is going faster when it really isn't. Finally, the time buttons allow the user change the time instantly so if you have a child who talking or not sitting appropriately then just add more time.
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| Stoppage on iPhone 4s |
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| Stoppage for iPad |
I also developed a free version called Stoppage Lite which you can download here in the AppStore. I use the app almost every time I give a time out. I find it has provided me and my children with a process and structured way to calmly administer discipline which provides an opportunity to discuss choices. I would remind any parent reading this that it is a tool for parent and not replacement for good parenting. It's up to every parent to decide how best to use the tools at their disposal. For example, I make sure i discuss with my children their choices after the time out is completed. That's nothing the app does. The app allows me to visually construct the time before the discussion.Regardless of how one uses the app I can guarantee that it will make you a much more consistent parent.
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